The Goan Tangent
by Faunas
Summary: In this fan-created episode, we discover an episode of Raj's life which is deeply linked to Portuguese-Indian history, especially Goa, and which profundely influenced Raj's personality.


**THE GOAN TANGENT**

 **A piece of** _ **The Big Bang Theory**_ **fanfic**

Dad: Romão Fernandes (aka Raj's grandpa)

Mom: Alexandra Fernandes

Girl: Maria Helena Fernandes (aka Raj's mother)

Boy: Félix Fernandes

 _Panaji, Goa, India... or rather, Pangim/Nova Goa, Velhas Conquistas of Goa, Portuguese State of India. December 19, 1961._

 _The Fernandes family is having a big day out - it's their 7-year-old girl's first Girls' Portuguese Youth parade as a_ Lusita _, while their 20-year-old boy will also march for the (boys') Portuguese Youth as a_ Cadete _! However, her mom is afraid. She heard that the Indians led by Nehru may be up to something in Goa. Dad, however, finds it all silly._

 _Both Dad and Mom are waiting at the door. The girl and the boy come down, dressed in their Youth uniforms and Dad plays the Portuguese Youth anthem._

 **Dad:** I'm so thrilled! My kids will be the pride of their Empire! _(Snaps a photo with the whole family. Both parents give their kids a big hug and kiss.)_

 **Mom:** I'm so afraid. That madman Nehru may come here any minute... What if he catches the parade?

 **Dad:** _(Almost falls laughing.)_ Don't be silly, woman! He's just saber ratting! They'll never come here!

 _(The family give a big Roman salute to the Salazar portrait on top of their fireplace before leaving. Meanwhile, a big engine noise from the sky pops up.)_

 **Mom:** _(Extremely frightened.)_ What the devil is this?

 **Dad:** Nothing. Let's go. Our kids are having a big parade.

 _(Mom is shaking with fear. They hear a big boom coming from their kitchen. Dad heads there.)_

 **Dad:** FUCKING INDIANS! Now we don't have a kitchen!

 **Mom:** The Indians? In our kitchen?

 **Dad:** The _monhés_ bombed our kitchen with their jet airplanes! You were completely right, Alex. Nehru was indeed making something in Goa. _(Sobs while the whole family holds him.)_ A thousand I'm sorries, Alex.

 **Girl:** And now what?

 **Boy:** This must never be forgiven! I wanna fight for the Empire! I'm joining the Portuguese Army.

 **Dad:** Alex, you must go to Mozambique with Lena and Félix. I will stay here taking care of out house.

 **Girl:** No, I won't go! It's our land, not theirs! I wanna stay with Dad! _(Goes on a tantrum.)_

 **Dad:** I know, but it's too dangerous. I'm old; you're a young girl. I can die; you are _the future_! You have to go.

 **Girl:** No! _(Strongly holds dad.)_

 **Mom:** Stop hurting your dad and do as we say! _(Mom pulls the girl by the ear, thus freeing Dad.)_

 **Girl:** I'm still not going!

 **Dad:** Come here, Alex. _(Starts whispering to mom.)_ Look, take Félix with you and tomorrow you'll come and get Lena.

 **Mom:** _(Whispering.)_ You always do whatever she wants! OK, since we're in a hurry, I'll do as you say. But, if it's too dangerous, I'll have to come another day. How shall you do?

 **Dad:** I'll go next door to the Esteves until I can rebuild the kitchen. You, find a hotel until you can hop on a boat.

 **Mom:** Alright. Félix, boy, let's go.

 _Goa becoming too dangerous with the pillages, the rapes and the murders - or rather, from both the people and the government targeting former collaborators -, Mom never came. As time became ever longer, so they could be safe, she and the boy went to Mozambique. Dad and the girl got left behind, and never saw their family again - they only could communicate through letters after the regime in Portugal fell._

 _Skip 11 years. Maria Helena, now 18, goes to her first year in Bombay University med school. She meets an older, cuter, professor of gynecology - although she wouldn't be interested in a relationship._

 **Professor:** Very good! Very, very good, Maria! A+

 **Maria:** Thanks, Professor Koothrappali!

 **Professor:** What will you do tomorrow?

 **Maria:** Nothing.

 **Professor:** Let's go out.

 **Maria:** Not sure...

 **Professor:** Alright, some other day.

 **Lakshmi (Maria's colleague):** Don't be a fool, not only is he cute, his family is rich and politically well connected.

 _(That caught Maria's eye. Her father was on the wrong side of Goa's current Indian government. What her family needed was someone who protected them.)_

 **Lakshmi:** If you want to meet their family, however, you must loose that cross.

 **Maria:** I can't, I'm a Catholic!

 **Lakshmi:** I heard his grandpa is a Hindu extremist. Beware of him.

 **Maria:** _(Running to Professor Koothrappali.)_ Can we go next Sunday?

 **Professor:** Of course! _(Kisses her cheek and gives her a big hug.)_

 _That would be their first date. They got married six years later._

 _Skip to the year 1986. Raj is five years old and visiting his grandpa Romão in Panaji, with his 3-year-old sister Priya._

 **Grandpa:** OK kids, you know the drill. Dress the uniforms and make the Roman salute! _(Grandpa plays the Portuguese Youth anthem.)_ Smile! _*Snap.*_

 **Priya:** This is, like, super weird. _(Holds grandpa.)_ Still, nothing beats grandpa Romie in Goa! _*Looks funny sideways.*_

 _(Raj, not really knowing what's the meaning of all that but not really caring because he's in Goa with his grandpa, is thrilled.)_

 **Boys outside:** Ha ha ha! That's so ridiculous.

 **Grandpa:** Buzz off, you _monhé_ punks! God, bloody Indians, they come here and make us their own.

 **Klement Esteves (neighbour):** _(Outside.)_ What are you kids doing here, taunting Mr. Fernandes? _(Rolls eyes.)_ God, Romão, you and your delusions... Kids, that's rude. Let's leave them alone.

 _(Both Raj and especially the more aware Priya cry.)_

 _And now, present day. Raj is cleaning up his room and finds a set of pictures. Including one most awkward._

 **Raj:** AHHHHHHH! Oh my God, what the heck is this?!

 _(Calls Howard.)_

 **Raj:** Hi Howie, I need you to come to my home immediately. I found something really weird.

 **Howard:** Weird? How weird?

 **Raj:** Very weird. _Gruesome_ weird.

 **Howard:** I'll be there in a minute.

 _(Howard shows up in Raj's house.)_

 **Howard:** So, what's so weird it needed my urgent attention?

 **Raj:** _(Trembling.)_ Th...th...th...th...this. _(Hands over photo to Raj.)_

 **Howard:** OK... _(Looks funny.)_ AHHHHHHH! _(Jumps back.)_ OK, come down, this isn't what it appears, it never is.

 **Raj:** Let's call the gang.

 **Howard:** Better. _(Picks up Raj's PC and calls Leonard, who is at home with the rest of the gang.)_ Hi Leonard, Raj and I need the gang immediately at Raj's house.

 **Leonard:** Why? We're all here at my house, why don't you come here?

 **Raj:** It's freaky, superfreaky! I can't leave, you must come!

 **Howard:** Freaky as hell!

 **The gang:** Alright, alright, we'll go over. _*Hang up*_

 **Howard:** Hey, there's something written in the back. It's in Portuguese and... Konkani. I understand Portuguese, so I'll translate. It says: "Raj and Priya as _Lusitos_ of the Portuguese Youth, 1986, with their grandfather Romão".

 **Raj:** Grandpa Romie? Priya? Hyperweird!

 _(The gang show up.)_

 **Leonard:** So, what's so weird we needed to see?

 _(Raj is looking down in shame.)_

 **Howard:** This.

 _(Everyone in the gang takes turns at grabbing the photo.)_

 **Leonard:** Whow!

 **Penny:** Spooky!

 **Sheldon:** Hotmomma!

 **Amy:** Cheese Louise!

 **Bernie:** _*screaming*_ What the hell?!

 **Stewart:** _*jumps*_ O-oh God!

 **Howard:** Even worse, it was their grandfather with Raj and Priya.

 **The gang:** WHAAAAAAA?!

 **Penny:** Have you tried to call anyone in your family, Raj?

 **Raj:** Good idea!

 **Bernie:** What was your grandfather's name?

 **Raj:** Romão, which is strangely not Indian. Wait, my mom's name is also not Indian...

 **Amy:** Maybe she'll be of assistance.

 **Raj:** I'll take care of that. _*Grabs computer.*_ Hi mom, there's something really weird I'd like to talk to you.

 **Mom:** Hi Raj. Sure, tell me, what's so weird?

 **Raj:** Get ready mom. _(Grabs photo.)_ This picture with grandpa Romie.

 **Mom:** _(Jumps.)_ Oh God. OK, time for the talk.

 **Sheldon:** What talk?

 **Mom:** Grandpa talk. I wanted to say this to Raj and Priya alone if the time came and I needed to say it, but now I have to tell you all, since you all got traumatized. First of all, my side of the family comes from Portuguese India.

 **The gang:** _Portuguese_ India?!

 **Mom:** Yes, Goa, Daman and Diu, it was the first. Well, my family were _very_ Portuguese patriots, _very_ loyal, and so didn't like that "the other" India invaded us. So, and given the dangers that came afterwards, my mom and brother fled, leaving me and Dad. I was also very stubborn and really liked my dad. He wanted to be with his grandkids, so they'd spend their summers in Goa. He'd also try to educate my kids into being Portuguese. They all loved him, but Raj always seemed to be the most influenced by Dad.

 **Penny:** Tell more about that.

 **Mom:** Well, due to his influence Raj was always the shier kid, and the one who least liked Indian culture - although everyone of them has their own cultural rebellion.

 **Howard:** That actually explains a lot about Raj. For instance, why he doesn't like Indian food or why he couldn't talk to girls without drinking first. _(Bernie and Amy look funny.)_ It was before you met him.

 **Raj:** This is just too much. I need a rest.

 **The gang:** OK, we'll leave you here.

 **Mom:** I'll too.

 **Raj:** Bye, Mom.

 **The gang:** Bye, Raj.

 **Raj:** Bye.

 _(The door of Raj's house closes.)_

 **Leonard:** Wow, this was intense.

 **The gang:** Yeah.

 **Sheldon:** Let's go stomach this.

 **Bernie:** I'll be here so Raj will have a shoulder to cry. _(Knocks the door and goes back inside.)_

 **Howard:** OK.

 **The gang:** Bye Bernie.

 _The End._


End file.
